The Battle Within: The #1 Reason. Why do Couples Fight

Have you ever wondered why do couples fight, even in the strongest marriages? In the “Marriage Made Whole” podcast, we explore the spiritual and emotional roots of conflict, guided by timeless biblical truths. Whether you’re newlyweds, long-time partners, or preparing for marriage, this podcast equips you with the tools to fight for unity and love. Join us as we answer the question, “Why do couples fight?” and discover how to turn conflict into grace.

Scripture Reading

James 4:1-5

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

1. The Root of Conflict in Marriage: Desires That Battle Within Us

Key Verse: James 4:1

• Reflect on the phrase, “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”
• Discuss: What kind of desires might James be referring to? (Examples: greed, envy, pride, selfishness)
• Cross-Reference: Galatians 5:17 – For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh.

Discussion Questions:

1. Think of a recent conflict you experienced. How did your desires contribute to the tension?
2. Why do unfulfilled desires often lead to anger, jealousy, or frustration?

Personal Reflection:

• Write down one desire in your life that often leads to frustration or conflict. Ask yourself: Is this desire aligned with God’s will?

What is the main reason for conflict?

The battle within reveals the answer toi the question of What is the main reason for conflict, and how our human tendency to prioritize our own wants over the Lord, often resulting in tension and heartache. However, when we surrender these desires to God, allowing Him to reshape our hearts and align our motives with His purpose, we find peace—both within ourselves and in our relationships. This verse challenges us to examine the root of our conflicts and seek God’s transforming power to bring harmony and healing.

2. What does the Bible say about unmet expectations?

Unmet Expectations: The Source of Quarrels

Unmet expectations in marriage can lead to frustration and conflict, as each person brings their own hopes, desires, and assumptions into the marriage. These expectations may not always be expressed or realistic, often influenced by past experiences, cultural norms, or someone’s views of marriage. When they aren’t met, it can cause disappointment, hurt feelings, or even doubts about the relationship. However, unmet expectations can also be a chance to grow closer as a couple.

Key Verse: James 4:2

• “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.”
• Unmet expectations often lead to resentment and conflict. Discuss how coveting (longing for something others have) can destroy relationships.

Biblical Example:

• Genesis 4:3-8 – Cain and Abel. Cain’s envy of Abel’s offering led to murder.
  • Question: How could Cain have handled his frustration differently?

Discussion Questions:

1. What role do unmet expectations play in your relationships?
2. How can we redirect our desires to align with God’s plan?

How do you get over unmet expectations?

By talking openly, trying to understand each other, and focusing on what God wants for the marriage, couples can move beyond frustration and create a stronger, more loving relationship. Remembering that neither spouse is perfect, but both are growing together with God’s help, allows for more patience, forgiveness, and unity.

What does it mean to have wrong motives?

Key Verse: James 4:3

• “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
• Highlight the importance of examining motives when we pray or act.

Practical Application:

• Before asking God for something, pause and ask: Why am I asking for this? Is it to glorify God or to satisfy selfish desires?

Cross-Reference:

• Matthew 6:33 – But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Discussion Questions:

1. How can we guard our hearts against selfish motives?
2. Share an example where God redirected your desires for His glory.

4. What does God mean by friendship with the world?

Key Verse: James 4:4

• “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God?”
• Explain how worldly values—pride, materialism, and self-focus—oppose God’s kingdom.

Illustration:

• Jesus taught that we cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). Loving the world divides our loyalty.

Reflection Questions:

1. What does “friendship with the world” look like in today’s culture?
2. How can we ensure our hearts remain devoted to God?

5. How does God want us to resolve conflict?

Key Verse: James 4:7-10

• “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

Steps to Resolution:

1. Submit to God: Surrender your desires and motives to Him.
2. Resist the Devil: Recognize and reject selfish, worldly influences.
3. Draw Near to God: Seek His guidance and wisdom in prayer.

Discussion Questions:

1. What practical steps can you take to resolve a conflict biblically?
2. How does submitting to God bring peace into your relationships?

Closing Reflection

• Reflect on Psalm 139:23-24 – Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
• Ask God to reveal desires or motives in your heart that need to change.

Challenge for the Week

• Identify one area of conflict in your life. Apply the principles from this study:
  1. Examine your desires and motives.
  2. Submit them to God in prayer.
  3. Take one step toward resolving the conflict with humility.

Closing Prayer

Pray for transformed hearts, pure motives, and God’s wisdom in resolving conflicts. Ask for His peace to reign in relationships.